Almost There But Nowhere Near It
by ksfd89
Summary: Oneshot of a roadtrip Lorelai and Rory take when Rory is twelve. Title is a quote from The Roadtrip to Harvard. Rated T, maybe too high. Gilmore Girls doesn't belong to me! Reviews are always appreciated!


One broiling hot summer's day Lorelai Gilmore bursts into her daughter's room.

"Road trip!"

Rory looks up. She's sitting at her desk, finishing off her summer homework before starting her second year at Stars Hollow Middle School. She's twelve years old on this summer afternoon and cocks an eyebrow at her mother, who is flushed in the cheeks.

"A road trip? Where?"

"Anywhere!" Lorelai exclaims, pulling her daughter's desk chair out so she can face her, ignoring Rory's cry of irritation. "It doesn't matter!"

Lorelai does this kind of thing a lot. She works full time but every so often will announce it's time to hit the road for a long weekend. They don't leave New England but will drive until they find a state Lorelai deems suitable. She never brings a map but Rory hides one until they're in the car and it's too late for Lorelai to anything about it. She complains that her daughter is lacking adventurous spirit but has secretly been thankful for directions, after several afternoons lost in the rain.

"Let's go," Lorelai says, bouncing up and down on her toes. "Let's pack and go right now!"

"Right _now_?"

"Now's the best time!" Lorelai cries. "I've finished all my work for today, it's the middle of summer and the whole world is there for us to explore!"

Rory doesn't remark that they won't go anywhere off the East coast and examines her mother doubtfully, pencil in hand, which Lorelai snatches from her.

"Hey! I was using that!"

"This is extra credit work," Lorelai says truthfully, pointing at the paper on her daughter's desk. "You finished all your homework the first week of vacation."

Rory blushes, it's true. She likes school, loves learning and doesn't care that the other kids call her a freak. She's already finished the pile of books she brought back from the library last week. Rory wants to go to Harvard one day and reads as much as she can.

"Rory, it's the middle of July," Lorelai says seriously. "And while I applaud the fact that you've got ahead on things, you'll have plenty of time to finish this and more when we get back."

Rory is silent, knowing she can' t argue, and Lorelai grabs her shoulders.

"Come, while the day is still young! Clothes, towels, bathing suits! We can be out of the house in half an hour!"

Rory only has one bathing suit. She laughs in spite of herself and Lorelai whoops, spinning her around on the chair and making her dizzy. She is the mother but Rory often feels like the adult in the house, as she carefully descends from the chair and starts to pack. Lorelai had her when she was just sixteen, only four years older than Rory is now, three come her birthday. The feeling is strange and Rory tries to picture herself in the future, a teenager. It seems impossible.

It doesn't take long to pack. Rory doesn't have a lot of clothes and she uses most of her drawer space for books. She packs more novels than outfits, along with her faded bathing suit and hurriedly places her sunglasses on her face before heading out. She'd forgotten about them until cleaning out her cupboard at the start of summer. It stills feels a little strange having her own bedroom. They moved into the house last year and, while Rory certainly appreciates the space, she can't help missing the old potting shed, where they used to live. Her mother worked at the inn there, still does, and Rory still thinks of it as home. She likes room though and has decorated it with posters of the world, all the countries she wants to see.

Lorelai meets her in the kitchen. She laughs at the sunglasses and then raises her eyes at Rory's heavy bag of books.

"No."

"Mom!"

"Rory, you do not need all those books! We're going away for three days!"

"I need a selection!" Rory protests and her mother grabs the bag and empties the books on the table.

"You do not need six books."

"I want more than one book to read!"

"Fine!" Lorelai exclaims. "Take your novel and book of poetry. That's two and that's enough."

"That is not a selection," Rory counters, crossing her arms. "I need at least three. Look, there's also a biography and short stories."

"That's four!"

"What if I get bored with my novel?"

Lorelai groans and Rory retorts,

"What about you taking six trashy magazines?"

"Magazines are different," Lorelai says, lifting her head up. "They're trashy, they're quick to read and you need a lot."

"I need a lot of books!"

"You can share my magazines."

"No thanks."

Rory pouts and for a moment neither say anything.

"How about a compromise?" Lorelai says eventually. "I'll drop three of my magazines if you drop two books."

Rory frowns, considers and breaks into a smile.

"Deal!"

"Yeah!" Lorelai cries happily, getting up and hugging Rory. "We're ready to go!"

"Almost," Rory says seriously. "I need to decide which book to leave behind."

Lorelai smiles patiently, a pained look on her face and sits back down. An hour later they're in the car and as Rory buckles her seatbelt her mother remarks,

"It would have been easier just to let you take six."

They drive for five minutes when Lorelai pulls over to the side of the road.

"What kind of road trip is this?" Rory exclaims.

"The kind where we stop for supplies. I'm not driving without coffee and Luke's doughnuts."

Rory unbuckles her seatbelt and follows her mother into the diner. They've known Luke for a long time and while he's frequently grouchy with the other customers, he never is with them. They join the line while Luke argues with Taylor over parking outside. Lorelai taps her shoe, lets out sassy remark and Luke tells her to wait her turn. Rory smiles and, over in the corner, a boy is smiling too. He has black, unruly hair, a ragged pair of shorts and is holding a book in his hands. Rory peers over, trying to catch the cover. He notices and holds it up, making Rory go red. The book is _The Catcher in the Rye_, which she read last year and part of her wants to ask what he thinks of it but she's mostly too embarrassed. Rory suddenly feels foolish in her purple tanktop and shorts, both of which she's growing out of and hastily looks away. She's sure the boy's still looking at her but doesn't glance back to check.

It's their turn to order. Taylor has stormed off in a huff, making Luke smile and he cheerfully asks what they want. Lorelai orders a coffee and a bag of doughnuts, telling him about their trip and Luke instantly quizzes them on road safety and being prepared. Lorelai sighs and rolls her eyes, deliberately winding him up and it works as Luke starts telling her horrible stories about people who died because they didn't think to bring a raincoat. Lorelai laughs but it makes Rory nervous and she looks back at the boy again. He's reading his book and slowly, she sidles over.

"Hey."

"Hey," the boy says, looking up. He sounds a little annoyed but lights up when Rory asks,

"So what do you think so far?"

"You've read it?"

"Yes, I've read it," Rory says, slightly affronted. "And _Franny and Zooey_."

"I've read that too. This is okay, so far."

"I preferred _Franny and Zooey_."

"They're good in different ways," the boy says, and then shuts up. He seems to catch himself talking and smiles awkwardly, his mouth a crooked grin.

"I'm Rory."

Where has it come from, this boldness? The boy nods and says,

"Jess."

Rory nods too. They stand there awkwardly and then Rory asks,

"Hey, are you Luke's nephew?"

"He told you about me?"

"Showed me your picture once. Said you live in New York."

"That'd be right. Liz sent me up for a _summer break_."

His voice is dripping with sarcasm and Rory bites her lip. She thinks Liz must be his mother, remembering Luke saying that was his sister's name. She calls her mom _Lorelai_ sometimes but not in the same way, the same dismissiveness and, noticing her discomfort the boy says,

"She belong to you?"

He points over to Lorelai, bag of doughnuts now in hand and laughing about something. Rory nods.

"She's my mom. She's my best friend."

"Huh," Jess says. He sounds surprised but doesn't ask further and Rory adds,

"We're going on a road trip."

"Where to?"

"I don't know yet."

"Well," Jess says. "That sounds like fun."

Rory frowns, unsure if he's teasing or not. She's saved from asking as Lorelai calls,

"Rory, let's go!"

Rory turns around, shifting the strap of her sewn purse.

"Bye," she says to Jess. "Enjoy the rest of your book."

"We'll have to talk about it some time," he replies. She stares but Lorelai is beckoning and, blushing, she hurries out of the diner, calling a quick farewell to Luke.

"Who was that?" Loreali exclaims as they buckle up. "Cute guy?"

"Please, Mom."

Her cheeks are scarlet and she adds,

"I was just being polite."

Lorelai grins and turns on the ignition.

"Sure."

Rory doesn't argue, doesn't tell her mother that she's pretty sure she'll never have a boyfriend, has never had a crush on a boy. Rory's sure that's supposed to have kicked in by now and is worried that she'll never get hormones, that or she's gay, yet she doesn't like girls either. She doesn't like anyone and Rory can't imagine kissing somebody, let alone any chance of getting pregnant at sixteen. Maybe she'll be a case study and Rory stares out of the window, watching the town fly past. They skirt the gazebo and church and Kim's Antiques and Rory looks up at the window, where Lane lives.

Lane is her best friend after Lorelai, her only friend her age. They met on the first day on Kindergarten, Lane running up to her and asking to be friends. They shared a lunch of peanut butter sandwiches and grape juice and by naptime their friendship was set. Rory can count on one hand the number of days where she hasn't seen Lane at least once and wonders what her best friend will do today, if she'll sneak round their house to find them gone. Lane comes over a lot as her house isn't that much fun. Mrs Kim hates Rory because Lorelai is unmarried, had premarital sex and is sure her daughter will follow in her footsteps, though Rory thinks she'll never have to worry. Lane loves music and magazines but is only allowed to listen to Christian music and so hides her CDs under the floorboards. She plays them at Rory's house, along with practising on pots and pans. Lane dreams of joining a band someday, playing the drums, but has more chance of sprouting wings then getting a chance to learn at home, so she uses Lorelai's kitchenware instead. Lorelai doesn't mind. It's not like they have any other use.

They pass the lake, where Lane and Rory spend most summer afternoons, and drive out of the town. Rory leans over her seat, staring at Stars Hollow disappear, until her mother pulls her back down.

"You'll make yourself carsick."

"I will not," Rory sulks. "That was once."

"More for me, you don't remember being a baby."

"When I was a _baby,_" Rory scoffs. Lorelai smiles at her.

"It'll still be there when we get back."

Rory smiles too, embarrassed and Lorelai fiddles with the radio.

"How about some tunes?"

"How about a mix tape?" Rory asks, delving into her homemade purse. "Better than the radio."

"Not the Spice Girls," Lorelai says flatly. Rory's face falls.

"But –"

"No way, Rory. Radio or nothing."

"The Spice Girls are good," Rory insists, waving the tape at her. "You just don't get modern music."

"Okay, I am turning into my mother as I say this, but that is not music, that is noise. Cheesy, annoying noise."

"Says the woman who likes Duran Duran?"

"Says the owner of the Bryan Adams poster!" Lorelai says triumphantly, making Rory go red. "Come on, Rory. I'm the driver and I don't want to listen to badly synchronised choruses!"

"Fine," Rory sulks. Lorelai switches on the radio and blanches as the presenter announces a full hour of country hits.

"Mix tape, please."

An hour later and they're still driving. They've finished the doughnuts and Lorelai's coffee, which Rory drank half of. It's something else Luke yells at Lorelai about but ever since Rory sipped her mother's coffee at the age of ten she's been addicted. Lorelai doesn't give her full cups but always lets her have some and Rory dreams of the day she has her own money and can buy all the coffee she wants. Lorelai has drunk more from a thermos but is saving some for later, concentrating on the road. The highway gleams in the heat and Rory stares at the endless array of trees around them, feeling sweat pool in her bra. It still feels weird wearing it and Rory's sure she doesn't need one but she's twelve now. Even Lane has broken out of vests so last year Lorelai took her to a department store in Hartford where an old lady measured her with cheerful remarks, asking if she was shy and calling her _Sugar_. The ordeal had ended with three double A bras and Rory has a sneaking suspicion she'll never grow out of them. At least they weren't training bras. She hasn't started her period either, though from everything Rory's read, that's nothing to get excited about. As far as Rory's concerned, it can wait for as long as it can.

"Where are we?" Rory asks eventually. She's starting to feel irritable and it shows as Lorelai looks at her in surprise and says,

"Somewhere."

"Oh, that's helpful!"

"You're more grouchy than Luke," Lorelai remarks and, as Rory pulls out a map, "and worse than him! Rory, we agreed!"

"No, you did, and I want to know where we are," Rory snaps. She looks at the line representing the road out of Connecticut and stares, trying to remember if they've left the state or not. Rory can't remember and it infuriates her, tears of irritation pricking behind her eyes.

"I don't know where we are!"

"Well, that's okay," Lorelai says, alarmed at her daughter's distress. "Honey, what's the matter?"

Rory doesn't know. She shakes her head and blows her nose on the Kleenex her mother offers. She's been feeling that a lot lately, upset without knowing why and she says angrily,

"It's so _stupid_."

"What is?"

"This!"

Lorelai frowns but as she opens her mouth to ask further she sees something and says joyfully,

"We're in Massachusetts!"

"What?" Rory asks dumbly, dabbing her eyes.

"I just saw a sign, we're in Massachusetts. Happy?"

Rory nods, smiles and wipes her face. Massachusetts is where she wants to live when she's older, when she wants to go to Harvard, and is pleased they've ended up here. She doesn't feel upset anymore, feels annoyed for being upset but she grins at her mother and sits up straighter. Things feel less hopeless than before and Rory is relived as they take a road off the highway and into a town.

"Where's this?"

"I don't know," Lorelai shrugs. "Someplace. Let's explore!"

So they do. They park the car by a fountain and walk around the town streets, past all the little stores selling buckets and spades. The sea must be close and soon they see it, sparkling in the distance. It's the same old Atlantic but it looks different than in New Haven, where they occasionally go for the day. They walk and walk until the sea is at their feet, lapping at their toes. It's early evening and most people have gone but there are still a few families building sandcastles or playing in the surf. Rory watches them, a father and daughter digging in the sand, until Lorelai pulls at her hand, making them move on.

Rory doesn't think about her father a lot but every so often something reminds her of him. He calls once a week, when he remembers and never forgets Rory's birthday. There is always a gift, always a card yet he has never come to Stars Hollow. Rory was so excited when they moved, got their new house, to show it all to her father but Christopher has never come. They usually only see him on holidays, when they go to Rory's grandparents', Lorelai fidgeting uncomfortably while her father congratulates Christopher on his new business venture, which always seems to change. Christopher swings Rory up in his arms when he sees her, calls her his beautiful little girl, but something changes when she asks him to visit, show him the town. He has to get back, he's in California now, and he hops on his motorcycle with barely a kiss goodbye. Rory remembers him coming to the inn, many years ago, yet it feels like another person's memory to hers. She's standing in the corner, knows she's in the living room, and a tall man is looking nervously at her. She bumbles out his name – _Daddy!_ – and he backs away and her mother softly says, _Go on, Chris, go on_. He steps towards her, smiling, but as she reaches he turns away. Rory starts to cry and the memory ends.

"Honey?"

Rory blinks. Her mother is looking at her in concern and Rory swallows, smiling.

"I'm fine. Tired."

"And hungry too, I bet," Lorelai says. "Let's go find somewhere to eat."

They wind up in a small cafe which has a dinner menu of seafood. Lorelai orders clams to share and picks gingerly at them. Rory eats slowly, irrationally scared of choking on shell. She'd sooner have had something else but didn't say so after seeing the look of relief on her mother's face at the price. They don't have a lot of money, it took long enough to get the house, and Rory knows her mother doesn't like talking about it. It's one of the reasons she hates going to her parents', or _Richard and Emily_ as she calls them, he same tone Jess used for Liz. Rory doesn't know how much money her grandparents have but it must be a lot. The house is large and splendid, bigger than the Twickham House, with numerous bedrooms and a poolhouse at the back. Rory knows her grandparents wanted Lorelai to marry Christopher, stay at home while he worked at Richard's business, but Lorelai refused. Christopher was willing to marry her mother and, though Lorelai told Rory she did love him, they were too young. Rory supposes this is the reason her grandparents are pleasant to Christopher and irritable to Lorelai, though it hardly seems fair. He was the one who made her pregnant.

"But he was willing to follow the plan," Lorelai said once. "Even if I hadn't run away...I disappointed them."

Rory wonders, sometimes, what it would have been like if her parents had got married. Sometimes it's a great thing to picture, to daydream about, but then Rory remembers the day her father turned away, too scared to touch her. He'd be there all the time if they were married but the daydream is tainted and Rory shakes it away.

They finish the clams. Lorelai picks up their purses and then says they should find someplace to sleep tonight. Rory is all for that. She's tired even though it's early and her legs ache when they're back at the car. They drive in circles for a while, Lorelai frustrated at the narrow streets, until Rory cries,

"There!"

Her mother follows her pointing finger and groans.

"Not a Holiday Inn!"

"Why not?" Rory asked, annoyed. "It has a bed, doesn't it?"

"A Holiday Inn is a chain," Lorelai says irritably. "It has no charm, no uniqueness about it...it's just a Holiday Inn! We can do better."

"Mom, I'm tired," Rory says, not caring about being patient. "We've been driving all day and we'll be driving all night if we don't stop there."

Lorelai sighs and Rory wheedles,

"Just one night? We could find somewhere better tomorrow."

"Fine," Lorelai relents. "You win. Just know that when the next bed and breakfast shuts down it's on you."

"You hate bed and breakfasts."

"Well, they're better than a Holiday Inn!"

Lorelai pulls into the parking lot and checks them in. They get a double room and are on the first floor and Rory flops happily on the bed before remembering her shoes, sits up and pulls them off. She feels even more tired than in the car.

"So what do you say?" Lorelai asks. "It's eight thirty. How about we stroll around a little, get an icecream?"

Rory nods, yawns and Lorelai goes to the bathroom. Rory closes her eyes, just for a minute. The next thing she remembers is a blanket being placed over her shoulders and a kiss on her cheek, her hair pushed away. Rory doesn't wake until morning.

They get up early the next day. Rory wakes in her T-shirt and feels embarrassed that her mother took off her shorts.

"You didn't open your eyes once," Lorelai remarks. "Not even when I got in next to you."

Rory flushes at the thought of her mother changing her clothes, cursing herself for falling asleep, and heads to the bathroom. They eat breakfast downstairs and Lorelai says under her breath,

"This is the one good thing about a Holiday Inn – no small talk. That and we can steal their glasses."

"Mom!"

Lorelai grins at her. She has three cups of coffee and lets Rory sip each one. They make up a beach bag and head down to the sea, away from everyone else. Lorelai smartly changed into her bikini under her clothes but Rory forgot and she hides behind a rock, a towel ready in case, as she stumbles into her bathing suit.

"There's no one there!" Lorelai calls but Rory knows the moment she lets her guard down someone will walk past and, indeed, two boys saunter by as she emerges. Rory blushes as they pass her, feeling stupid in her bathing suit. It's blue with flowers and Rory has a feeling it's childish but she can still fit into it. She can't see a day where she'll ever wear a bikini like her mother, ever fill one out, and she self-consciously crosses her arms over the small nubs of her breasts. Lorelai doesn't notice, or pretends not to, and Rory sits on the towel beside her, delving into her pile of books. Her embarrassment fades she starts to read, stops being Rory Gilmore at an awkward age and becomes the _intelligent reader,_ as the novel says. Rory reads happily, lost to the world and looks up in surprise three hours later when Lorelai suggests lunch.

Other than a trip across the street for fries, they spend the entire day at the beach. In the late afternoon Lorelai says they should go for a swim and Rory curls up on the towel.

"It'll be cold."

"Baby," Lorelai teases. "We won't go out far. Come on, we're at the ocean. You have to go in the sea at least once."

Slowly, Rory gets to her feet and takes her mother's hand. She's not scared of the sea exactly, and she can swim, but she doesn't like going in deep, especially in the ocean. Rory imagines a rogue current or tidal wave, despite the gentle, lapping water, and still holds onto Lorelai's hand as she steps in trepidatiously. They shriek at the cold and Lorelai laughs as Rory splashes water over her. She retaliates and they stand, giggling, up to their knees.

"You got my hair wet!"

"You got mine wet too!"

"Well, as it's already wet," Lorelai says and ducks down beneath the water. Rory holds her breath until she surfaces a moment later, swimming through a wave. Lorelai shakes the water off like a dog.

"That felt good," she laughs, her teeth chattering. "Want to try?"

Rory slowly shakes her head. The sun is warm on her back but she feels cold.

"My stomach's sore."

Lorelai looks at her but Rory isn't lying. It's started hurting, in a weird kind of way, all across her front and around her back. It's not like the pain she has when she normally has a stomach ache but Lorelai just says,

"You're nervous. Come on, let's go get dry."

Rory's relieved as they head back up the shore. They get dry and changed but her stomach's still sore an hour later. Lorelai feels her forehead and purses her lips.

"You don't have a temperature."

"I don't feel sick," Rory says truthfully. "I feel okay apart from my stomach."

"Maybe it's the clams," Lorelai sighs. "Oh, I know we shouldn't have got seafood."

Rory feels guilty now, though she can't help it. She repeats that she doesn't feel sick, actually feels hungry and Lorelai cautiously buys Rory a sandwich, watching her carefully as she eats. After that Rory feels a little better and they walk around until Rory lets out a piercing shriek.

"A bookstore!"

"Jeez, my heart," Lorelai says, holding a hand to her chest as Rory races in. "Wait up!"

It's a wonderful bookstore, filled with disjointed piles of books. The owner knows where everything is, despite the disarray, and Rory browses joyfully while her mother looks at a book she read when she was young. Eventually Lorelai is at her arm, telling her it's time to go, and Rory pulls out a book precariously from the pile.

"I want this!" she asks, excited. "Please?"

Lorelai takes it from her, looking it over.

"_Howl_?"

"I've never read anything from the Beat generation!"

"How do you know about the Beats?" Lorelai asks. "Never mind. How much is it?"

Rory wants to give her some of her allowance but her mother doesn't let her. She pays, takes the bag and insists on carrying it so Rory won't read it the entire way home.

They head back to the Holiday Inn, smelling of sea, sun lotion and sand and both take a shower.

"I wonder what movies we get," Lorelai says, turning on the television. "Anything better than Lifetime. Rory? What do you think?"

"Just a sec," Rory calls. "I need the bathroom!"

She shuts the door, pulls down her underwear and stops. Something's wrong.

Rory sits still, stuck, until her mother calls again,

"Everything okay in there?"

"Something's happened," Rory manages to say in a trembling voice. "I can't get up."

"What?"

Rory hears her mother try the door, but it's locked. Rory forces herself to move, washes her hands and opens the door, face pale.

"What's wrong?" Lorelai demands. "What's happened?"

"I think..." Rory can barely get the words out. "I think I started my period."

"What?"

"I don't know," Rory goes on, struggling against a strange urge to cry. "There's all this stuff but it doesn't look like blood, it looks brown and –"

"You've started."

Lorelai leans against the bathroom, smiling sadly at her. Rory waits and then says hysterically,

"What do I do?"

"Do you have anything?"

By _anything_ Rory assumes her mother means pads and she thinks of the solitary box of sanitary napkins, resting in her bedroom drawer. They were given them in Health class and Rory shakes her head.

"Don't you have anything?" she asks desperately. "Why don't you have anything?"

"I didn't know you were going to start your period!" Lorelai exclaims. "And I'm not – I was actually happy because I don't have it this weekend!"

Rory leans against the wall too, closing her eyes.

"Great."

Lorelai moves past her and checks the medicine cabinet and cupboard under the sink.

"Now that would be way more useful than the free teabags."

"Mom!"

"Okay," Lorelai says, taking a breath. "It's okay, we'll figure this out. It's no big deal."

"No big deal!" Rory cries. "It's my first period! It's my first period and I don't have any...stuff!"

"Okay," Lorelai says seriously. "This is what we're going to do. We're going to find a 24 hour pharmacy and pick up everything you need. Let's go."

"I can't go out!"

"Rory, you don't have to hide until it's over. It's 1997!"

"I don't want to go out," Rory wails. "I can't!"

"Rory, what else can I do?" Lorelai asks helplessly. "Do you want me to go the desk and –"

"No!"

"Then I have to go to a pharmacy!"

"Can I stay here?" Rory begs. "I won't open the door."

Lorelai frowns.

"I don't know if I want to leave you here."

"Mom, I won't leave the room, I swear. I won't let anyone in. Please."

Lorelai looks at her, considers and sighs.

"Fine. Only because sometimes I think you're more responsible than me. I'm going to go to the desk and if the pharmacy takes longer than five minutes to get to you're coming with me. Don't go near the door."

"Deal," Rory says happily. She sits crosslegged on the bed, turning the TV channels and waits for Lorelai to get back. She wonders how to feel, if this is normal. She doesn't feel happy, excited or any older than an hour before and finally gets out_ Howl_ to read until her mother returns.

Lorelai is back in record time. She has pads, Tampax, chocolate and Aspirin and Rory picks up the latter two.

"What's this?"

"Trust me, you'll want it," Lorelai says seriously. "I didn't know if you wanted Tampax or pads, so I got both."

Rory picks up the boxes and slams herself back in the bathroom. The Tampax looks a little scary so she carefully fastens the pad to her underwear, walking back a little haphazardly. Lorelai's already opened the chocolate.

"Here," she says, holding out a piece. "How'd you feel?"

"I can have a baby now," Rory says thoughtfully and Lorelai replies,

"This also seems like the time to tell you never to have unprotected sex."

"Mom!"

Rory bites into the chocolate, lying against the pillows. Lorelai notices her sadness and moves closer to her.

"What's wrong, Margaret?"

"I don't want it," Rory says, her throat suddenly tight. "Make it go away."

"Rory."

"I hate it," Rory says with venom. "I've just got it and I hate it, and I hate my bra and I don't have breasts and I hate...everything sucks about being twelve. I want to be a kid again."

"You _are_ a kid."

"I don't feel like one. I don't want to grow up."

Rory sniffles and Lorelai puts an arm around her.

"I'm not going to lie," she says gently. "Having a period really does suck and is, if you ask me, one big cosmic joke. Bras stop feeling so weird after a while and you will get breasts, even if they're small."

"But –"

"I know," Lorelai says, cutting her off. "You don't want to grow up. It's not all bad, Rory."

Rory wanted to say that all evidence was to the contrary but she couldn't speak.

"It can be wonderful," Lorelai tells her. "And exciting and adventurous. When you grow up, you can be independent, and I don't mean just going to bed when you want."

Rory smiles slightly and Lorelai goes on,

"When you grow up you'll go to Harvard. You'll use that big brain of yours to think lots of important thoughts and I just know you'll do all these incredible things. You're at an awkward stage, babe, but it will all be worth it. You're going be smart and beautiful and maybe one day you'll fall in love."

Rory stiffens slightly next to her and Lorelai asks,

"What?"

"Mom, I –" Rory hesitates. "What if I never fall in love?"

"You'll do all the other awesome things."

"What if I can't?"

"Huh?" Lorelai frowns and Rory blurts out,

"I've never had a crush on a guy, or a girl, and what if I never like anybody and there's something wrong with me and – why are you laughing?"

"Oh, Rory. There's nothing wrong with you. Well, nothing apart from wanting to read _Howl_ instead of Sweet Valley High."

"But –"

"Rory, you're twelve," Lorelai says, poking her. "You've got plenty of time to get a crush. I know you will, someday, with someone. Maybe more than one someone."

"What if I don't?" Rory presses. "What if I can't?"

"Then it doesn't matter," Lorelai says calmly. "Even if you don't, and I'm sure you will, there's much more to life. Relax, sweetie. There's nothing to worry about. There's nothing wrong with you."

Rory does relax, leaning into her mother's arm.

"It's scary," she thinks out loud and Lorelai nods.

"Yes, it is. My life turned out a lot more different than I planned."

Rory looks up and Lorelai strokes her hair.

"I wouldn't change a thing. I took a detour and found myself somewhere good."

"So you're saying I should get pregnant at sixteen?" Rory teases. Lorelai groans.

"It really is time for that talk!"

They laugh together and Lorelai says,

"Come on, lets go out. I've got a treat for you."

Puzzled, Rory picks up her sweater and follows her mother outside. They walk in silence, neither saying a word, until Lorelai stops abruptly.

"I think here's a good place."

Rory looks up and stares. They're at a coffee shop and Lorelai says,

"One small cup. You're old enough now."

Rory jumps, laughs and Lorelai chuckles.

"Maybe decaf."

The next day they drive home, after spending the day seeing more of the state, stolen Holiday Inn glasses in their bag. The sun sets as they make it into Stars Hollow and Lorelai remarks,

"I always imagine it looking different."

"It never does."

"No, it never does."

Rory wants to go see Lane but it's after nine. She plans on telling her the news and wonders what Lane will do, what she will say to Rory beating her to it. For now, Rory follows Lorelai into Luke's and, as she orders, Rory sees that boy again. He's sitting at a table, same book in hand and scribbling something inside. Rory goes and sits, remembering his name is Jess.

"Hi."

"Hey."

Jess smiles and Rory blushes. She wonders if he can tell, if it's obvious, but he simply asks,

"Good trip?"

"Yeah, we just got back. We went to Massachusetts."

Jess nods and Rory sees a packed bag beside him.

"You're leaving?"

"Just here for the weekend," Jess says and Rory nods, wondering why she feels so disappointed.

"How's _The Catcher in the Rye_?"

"Finished it."

"What're you doing then?"

"Putting notes in the margins."

Rory is surprised, she never writes in hers.

"Why?"

"Why not?" Jess asks reasonably. "It's just thoughts."

Rory wants to ask further but Lorelai calls her over, beaming, and Rory joins her.

"One small cup of coffee!"

"What – no," Luke groans, realising. "Lorelai, she's too young for coffee."

"She can take it," Lorelai says protectively. "She's already addicted."

"Whose fault is that?"

Luke reluctantly pours out a small coffee, telling Rory if she's smart she'll pour it away. Instead, she drinks it and waves to Jess as they leave the diner. He holds his hand in farewell, watching them from the window, and Rory smiles until he is out of sight. Lorelai doesn't notice and talks about starting laundry when they get home.

"Mom, I want to go for a walk," Rory announces. "Is that okay?"

"Sure," Lorelai says, surprised. "Just be back in ten minutes, okay?"

"Okay."

Rory races away, hair flying behind her, and doesn't stop until she gets to the lake. She halts, panting, slides off her shoes and stands tall on the warm wood of the bridge. It's just beginning, the whole story. She's going to study, Lane's going to play drums and Jess will write notes in the margins and Rory feels a wave of delicious excitement as she closes her eyes in the summer air. The next few years seem more like a new book instead of punishment and Rory opens her eyes, seeing her reflection shimmer in the water, putting her hands on her newly formed hips. Growing up's not so terrible after all. She wants to see what's ahead, turn the pages and if it's not what she expects – it's not all about taking an exact route. Rory Gilmore smiles, turns and walks home, at peace with her twelfth year.


End file.
